The Four Phases Of Healing

I believe that we heal in four phases.

That there are four distinct passages which anyone who goes through a metamorphosis experiences.

I haven’t been through all of them myself, so this may sound a bit naive. But I’m far enough on my journey to recognize patterns, and have met many people who have gone through this cycle.

Chances are you’re in one of these phases, like I am, so I hope this helps.

So, without further ado, here is Matt’s Theory on The Four Phases of Healing:

Phase 1: The Fall

The first phase of healing is awareness of the pain.

One day you’re fine, coasting along, then gradually your internal world becomes turbulent. Things start to feel shaky, uneasy, unaligned. Maybe you’ve felt that unease your whole life, maybe it’s new, maybe an event has rocked your life. Regardless, for the first time it has become clear that something is not okay.

You can’t get out of bed. You’re constantly angry. You’re always in a state of anxiety. Your body is locked up. You cry randomly and suddenly. Or worse, you’re unable to cry. You don’t laugh like you used to. Everything feels heavy.

You may have tried ways of avoiding this heaviness. Video games, weed, alcohol, parties, work, relationship after relationship, pain meds, to no avail.

These dead ends finally lead you to a point where you say: I can’t live like this anymore.

It’s rock bottom—the crucial action step that gets us started on the road to recovery.

Phase 2: The Feeling (aka The Winter)

We start to explore where this feeling is coming from.

Therapy is often the opening door. A good therapist will slowly creak open the basement to our lives—our past, our childhood, our traumas, our family’s unprocessed pain.

At first we’ll deny that there’s much in the basement. We think this will be quick and easy and after a few sessions we’ll be good to go. But then we start to see that the basement has many levels. We look down into an abyss. The stairs descend seemingly forever, and the farther down we go, the darker things become.

It’s painful to revisit what really happened, how harmed we’ve been, how much we’ve been hurt and caused hurt. At first we try to reject it, but then the emotions bubble up. We find ourselves writhing on the floor, heaving, sobbing uncontrollably, screaming at a God we struggle to believe in. Socializing is next to impossible because we can no longer pretend we’re okay. We start to break away from relationships, jobs, and experiences that we realize are contributing to that pain. Yet breaking away causes even more pain.

This is the dark night of the soul. This is where the lights are turned off and no flashlight is provided. Thankfully, we don’t have to do this alone. There are others also in their own basements and some who have already done the work. We talk to them, confide in them, feel seen by them. They inspire us to keep going, to keep feeling, knowing that as Maya Angelou said, “Every storm runs out of rain.”

Phase 2 can be brief or it can be very long, depending on the accumulation of experiences, the sensitivity of the experiencer and the willingness to do the work.

And then at some point, we get to a place where we realize we have felt and processed enough, and that it’s time to go into Phase 3.

Phase 3: The Rebuild (aka The Spring)

Once a lot of the feelings have been felt and lessons learned, it’s time to emerge from that dark, tight, uncomfortable, yet transformative cocoon.

It’s time to get to work building an Aligned Life.

An Aligned Life is a life where fun is allowed. It’s a life of lightness, love, connection, and purpose. It’s a life driven by inner truth, not survival traits. This is where the real healing begins because you end up forgetting that you’re supposed to be sick. To your own amazement, you realize that life can actually be enjoyed. This new life becomes so immersive that you don’t risk sliding back into who you once were. You don’t instinctively gravitate to toxic relationships or situations anymore because feeling good has become habitual.

I’ve talked about my own Phase 3 a lot this year. Instead of sitting at home and crying and agonizing in the trenches of my own anxiety like I did for years, I’m now out of the house exploring a new city, building community, starting a new business, growing in a new relationship, writing these newsletters, taking tennis lessons, learning Spanish, salsa dancing.

Phase 3 is about creating a new universe to engage ourselves in. It’s getting off the couch and creating movement.

Phase 4: The Giving (aka The Summer)

I’m not here yet but people much wiser than me have told me that this phase cannot be skipped, and is essential to wholeness.

Once our Aligned Life is up and running, we build more room in our lives for being of service. There’s more joy, more lightness, more to give. “It is in giving that we receive.” I love that line from the Prayer of St. Francis.

I can’t tell you how many calls I’ve had with mentors where I felt broken and was certain I was wasting their time, only to have them express how much the call helped them too. You can only truly learn something if you teach it. Knowledge is only integrated when it is shared. I don’t think the universe did this by accident. It’s that subtle connective tissue that says, “I want you to feel how good this feels.”

In Phase 4 there also seems to be an understanding that we will inevitably revisit all phases throughout our lives. That there will always be new, challenging experiences that we’ll have to work through. That it’s not one and done. But that we’ll now have the tools and the wisdom to know how to get through them.

Final Thoughts

As a species, we are currently going from Phase 1 to Phase 2. The awareness that something is not right has become undeniable. We all feel it. Our institutions and the world as we know it are collapsing before our very eyes. We are experiencing that classic claustrophobia that someone who is starting to uncover their long-held trauma feels. That sense that our world is collapsing on itself.

But this is only a phase. A natural part of a natural process. One that other generations have been through before. Phase 1 going into Phase 2 always feels like the end of the world. Yet, it’s really just the beginning. But only if we’re willing to dive into the feeling—to go into our bodies, to experience what we are so desperate to avoid.

Feeling is unfortunately mandatory. It’s the part we all hate. It’s dark, and murky, and we on a global level are entering it now and it’s only going to get darker and murkier. But again, this shouldn’t be cause for alarm. In doing our own feeling, in going inwards into our own bodies, we are placing each of our beautiful pieces into the universal puzzle.

The world will experience Phase 3, the Spring, once enough of us have felt through our darkness. More and more of us will know what joy feels like, what serenity tastes like, and our light will inevitably shine. People will be drawn to that light, that ease, and they will want it. “How are you so at ease?” they will ask. And we will tell them about Phase 1 and Phase 2, and this may give them the courage to step into the basement too, slowly but with resolve, knowing that there is lightness on the other side.

And finally, this world will enter into Phase 4: A giving world. A world where if you are not okay, the world is not as beautiful as it can be. And that doesn’t work for us anymore because our mission is to make our world as beautiful as possible.

How long this will all take, who knows. But I am as sure of it as I am sure that the sun will rise tomorrow. I am as sure of it as I am sure that a crawling caterpillar will enter its silky cocoon, disintegrate into liquid mush, and emerge a glorious Monarch.

Our process is a natural one. And all natural processes entail breakdowns and breakthroughs.

All natural processes eventually birth a new light, a new life.

Love,

Matt

MATT’S FRIEND CLUB

We have officially crossed 300 members in Matt’s Friend Club :) So incredibly grateful to each and everyone of these humans.

I joke in our Zoom calls that I should call it Matt’s Transition Club since everyone seems to be in this beautiful phase of transformation, going from one phase to the next. And the support between each of them makes my heart full.

If you feel alone on your journey, there’s a community here waiting to welcome you with open arms.

COMMUNITY WIN OF THE WEEK

From Dora:

On Thursday I finished the Portuguese Camino de Santiago where I walked from Porto to Santiago. The official paper says I walked 240km in 12 days, but in reality due to the detour routes we took, it ended up being 296km.

I’m still in shock that I actually managed to complete it as it’s a huge mental and physical challenge. I am so proud of myself and of my parents with whom I took on the challenge. Highly recommend it!

Would love to hear about your Win of the Week. Send over a photo and a lil’ caption to matt@mattdahlia.com!