I Should Have Told Her I Loved Her

When I was thirteen years old, I fell in love with a girl.

I had moved to Paris for a year with my family and joined an international school.

Her and I met on the first day of class.

As soon as she entered the room, I knew life would never be the same.

She was Malaysian-Australian, dark skinned, with dimples. The first time she spoke, I crumbled. It was the sweetest, softest, accent I had ever heard.

We’ll call her Chloe.

Chloe became a great friend but she never knew that I loved her—I never mustered the courage to tell her.

The school year went by, my love for her grew, and my mouth stayed shut.

Then the summer came, she left for vacation and I moved back to the US.

When I landed in America, I remember sitting on my bed, heart-broken, longing for a second chance.

Regret.

So much regret.

Not telling Chloe I loved her consumed me for years.

But it also motivated me.

A decade later I found myself in a similar situation.

I was in East Africa on a field study program with a group of students from my university. And once again, I fell in love with a girl. We’ll call her Jane. One night, about a month into the trip, I was lying down in my tent—yes, we slept in tents—unable to sleep. Tossing and turning, I realized that if I didn’t tell her, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

The next night, after a group hangout, I decided to act. As I walked her back to the campsite, I confessed my feelings for her. She smiled. I asked if I could kiss her. She said yes.

Jane became my first serious girlfriend.

I know for a fact that had it not been for Chloe a decade before, I wouldn’t have asked for that kiss. I wouldn’t have lost sleep the night before. Because I wouldn’t have known the anguish of regret.

I love that scene in The Lion King (my favorite movie—the original, of course) where Simba meets Rafiki, the wise old monkey. Simba—convinced from a young age that he is responsible for his father’s death—is still holding onto the past. Rafiki encourages him to let go of it, to move forward. At one point Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick.

“OW! Jeez, what was that for?!” Simba yells.

“It doesn’t matter!” says Rafiki, “It’s in the past! Haha!”

“Yeah, but it still hurts.”

“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”

He swings at Simba again and this time, Simba ducks.

“Ah, YOU SEE!” Rafiki belts.

Regret tortures us in order to teach us. It’s a fuel for change, not an excuse for inaction.

And sometimes it even gives us a second chance…

You see, three years ago, I decided to reach out to Chloe. Despite what I had learned from the experience, despite having moved on, there was still something left unsaid. My silence still gnawed at me.

Her and I hadn’t talked for a decade—we had lost touch by the time I got to college—but we were still friends online.

I sent her a short letter in which I acknowledged that this was way out of left field, but that I wanted her to know that she was the first girl I ever loved. I shared how I wished I had told her back then, and that as awkward as it was to let her know all these years later, I needed to get it off my chest. And ultimately, that I would always be grateful for that year in Paris and for our friendship.

She responded the next day. She admitted it was a bit out of nowhere, but she appreciated the honesty and the courage—and said she too would always be thankful for Paris and for our bond.

And that was it. That was all I needed. I haven’t spoken with her since but that interaction was the final piece of the puzzle. It freed me.

So maybe the lesson here is two-fold.

Firstly, regret is our greatest teacher. It helps us align with our truth, avoid future mistakes, and become wiser.

But secondly, sometimes it’s never too late to change the past. To make amends. To do the thing you wish you had done.

To let a woman know that when you were a boy and she was a girl, you loved her with all your heart.

And that was all that ever needed to be said.

Love,

Matt

PS - Check this out :)

The first in-person hangout from Matt’s Friend Club has officially happened! I connected these two awesome lads as penpals and they recently met up in Philadelphia for dinner. This picture made my week :)

We’re doing the next round of penpals in just under a month, so make sure you sign up soon if you wanna meet some incredible humans from this community!

WIN OF THE WEEK

From Fredi:

This week I gave my very first lecture!

So I'm back at my old university and now I'm a lecturer for the module “public relations” myself.

Why is that so special? Well, until a few months ago, I was at rock bottom. A wreck. Two years ago, I suffered a burnout after achieving my big dream of working in motorsport and especially with Lewis Hamilton.

I couldn't work anymore (for 2 years straight) and also developed social anxiety.

Standing in front of students and passing on my knowledge is completely incomprehensible to me. It’s such a big win for myself but also shows that after every big, big low you can stand up again and reach for the stars. You can do it! You are so much stronger than you think!

Let’s freaking go, Fredi! Proud of you for choosing your own path and serenity. Letting go of something that objectively seems awesome, but no longer resonates internally is hard work. So, big kudos to you.

To submit your Win of the Week please send a photo and a caption to matt@mattdahlia.com.

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