I got in a fight with my yoga teacher

Not a physical fight, obviously.

The yoga studio I go to tried to charge me for next month even though I won’t be here. I told them I tried to cancel online. They said I had to do it two weeks before the renewal date. I told them their site wouldn’t let me. They said I should have called.

And then I was like….ummmmmmmmmm…EXCUSE ME???

I got petty. I went full yoga bitch. Sassy McSass. Told them to Namaste themselves. Said I was gonna leave them a 1-star review and that they had just lost a customer because they wouldn’t give me a refund. Not my finest moment but they did end up letting me cancel my membership.

Over the past few weeks, a strange thing has happened. I’ve started to feel like a lot of people are trying to screw me over.

One founder mismanaged an investment and went radio silent. Another stopped giving reports altogether and I’m realizing the contract I signed with him was no bueno. Then my old landlord blamed me for a broken heater that was already broken and is now refusing to return my deposit.

So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time on the phone, trying to make sure my money doesn’t disappear.

Yeah, I know, tough life dude.

What’s interesting though is that I’m actually saying something. I’m taking a stand. I’m calling bullshit. I’m not being an asshole (most of the time) but I’m being honest. As calmly as I can, I’m telling them how I feel and what I believe.

This didn’t used to be the case. Matty McSass used to be a constant people pleaser. If you didn’t like me, I was going to give you my kidney and my dignity. Being liked was equivalent to safety. Alarm bells would go off at the slightest silence or side-eye. And so, like anyone who spends 24/7 trying to be accepted, I constantly got myself in situations where I abandoned myself and was taken advantage of.

The problem with the people pleaser strategy is that it breeds resentments. Instead of sharing my frustrations, I would pretend to let them slide, when in reality they would get locked away in a vault to fester. That vault would then overflow and suddenly I would find myself losing it on someone I loved over a seemingly minor infraction.

A big part of my recovery has been the slow loosening of my garganta. That’s Spanish for throat. Letting my voice be heard. Not pretending I’m alright when I’m not. Not waiting for years to tell someone I’m mad.

There’s this idea that the most spiritual people are those who peacefully avoid conflict. But that can quickly turn into an excuse for fear of speaking up. Jesus called out the priests. Gandhi stood up to the British Empire. The Dalai Lama has resisted the Chinese government for decades.

These people operated from a place of fierce love. Fierce love is not docile. It’s not a doormat that gets stomped on or a zip of the lip in the face of mistreatment. Fierce love says something, does something. (And no, don’t worry, I’m not comparing my situation to theirs.)

Learning to speak up is weird. It’s actually not that different from the Spanish I’m practicing. It’s clunky at first. You don’t know the right words, your sentences get jumbled, you accidentally offend people. But slowly, you piece together a decent phrase, and poco a poco things start to flow. Eventually, you become the kind of person who willingly brings up hard conversations.

Here’s what my buddy Emmanuel—a wise friend and incredible writer whose newsletter I highly recommend—had to say about my whole experience with the yoga studio:

Okay, so the learning opportunity is:

“Everyone’s trying to rip me off” means “I feel uncomfortable”. This is a signal that you’re changing things.

BROTHER, YOU’RE LEARNING TO EXPRESS YOURSELF—AND EVERYONE IS A TEST DUMMY.

However, there’s time to stand up for yourself without saying fuck you and your existence.

True.

So yeah, sorry yoga teacher and anyone I’ve lost it on for being my test dummies.

I promise I’m getting better at this, it’s just taking time. I’m just grateful I’m stumbling my way through honesty instead of staying quiet in the corner.

I’ll take clumsy over silent any day of the week.

Love,

Matt