Why Everything Is So Hard (and how to make it easier)

A lesson from plants

You’ve probably heard of that famous study done on plants.

Essentially, two plants of the same species were cared for differently. Both were kept in identical conditions—same amount of water, sunlight, soil. The only variable was the verbal input from the people watering them.

One plant received harsh words with harsh intonations: ”You’re stupid.” “Do not bloom.” The other received sweet words: “You’re beautiful,” “We love you.”

After four weeks the positively praised plant showed higher germination rate, greater height, larger leaf size, greener leaves, and stronger stems.

Yeah.

There are a few other studies showing similar results.

I just love this, don’t you?

Not because plants are very clearly alive and responsive to the mood of their environment—although that’s incredible—but rather because it’s further proof that self-love is for real.

I’m honestly hesitant to talk about this because I don’t wanna end up in woo-woo land, but you know what…screw it.

I just spent two hours hugging myself.

That’s right.

Before writing this newsletter, I lay down, put some piano music on and cuddled little Matty.

It’s weird to write that, but I gotta tell you…he feels it. This little dude inside of me who’s felt lonely, unseen, and afraid for a large part of his life, can sense when I’m making the time to love him properly. He feels the light touch of my hand against my skin. He hears the gentle words I speak to him. Just like the plant: “You are so loved.” “I’m here with you.” “Take all the time you need.”

I can sense his smile, his lightness, his ease.

My muscles loosen. My shoulders drop. My breath lengthens.

I had the most amazing therapist back in LA. We’ll call him J. J was the master of inner loving parent work. He grew up in a crazy family in the Midwest, with a literal psychotic mother, and for nearly the entirety of a decade, from his late 20s to late 30s, was holed up in his apartment in constant agonizing pain.

He taught part-time but could barely hold a job. He didn’t have friends. Just walking outside was unbearable.

This inner loving parent work is the work that slowly but surely saved his life. The repeated self-consolation of his own being, the hours and hours of rewiring his nervous system to let it know that someone new and calm was in charge, eventually led to a similar growth that the plant experienced.

J is now a happy husband and father of two. He’s angelic in his demeanor, the most stable dude I know. He mountain bikes, has a schedule packed with eager clients, he’s the real deal.

Before I left LA, in the last five minutes of our last session together, he looked at me and said, “You know Matt, out of everything we’ve ever talked about, there’s only one thing you need to remember…”

He then put his left hand on his belly, and the right one on his heart, and gently padded them both, like he would a child.

Human problems are really just nervous system dysregulation problems.

All the wars, the mania, the violence, the xenophobia, the corruption…are symptoms of dysregulation. A dysregulated nervous system that is agitated will go to any length to feel safe. It will do outrageous things just to feel calm, convinced that its regulation exists outside of it. It will bomb an entire population, steal billions of dollars, start fights on social media, cheat, lie, the list goes on.

A regulated nervous system however, handles the world with patience and love.

You ever walk in a room, or spend time with someone who is just sunk into the Earth? Grounded as grounded can be? They move and speak like a calm ocean, smiling genuinely. They’re simply there. You know the feeling. We all do. Spend enough time around that kind of energy and your nervous system will thank you. You may not even notice it. It’s so subtle but the effect is palpable.

That’s why that whole idea of changing yourself instead of trying to change the world makes so much sense. Because as your energy shifts—through consistent loving awareness—the world around you does too. Your relaxed state inherently suggests that there is nothing to fear. That everything is okay. That hard things can be worked through.

If there’s anything I ever hope to give one day, it’s that feeling.

But I’m not there yet. There’s a reason I gotta spend two hours holding myself…my nervous system still gets super jacked up for very little. But it’s getting better. And not only that, it’s allowing me to nurture it, which it never used to do.

So yeah, it takes time. But I’m alright with that.

I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.

Love,

Matt

Amongst friends in Azores, Portugal while on vacation a few weeks ago :)