The Secret To Making A True Friend

Be interested, not interesting

Big shoutout to the 271 new subscribers who have joined us since the last post. If you're new—hey, I’m Matt. I co-founded a YouTube channel, wrote a book about it, and now I live in Barcelona as a full-time writer.

Twice a week, I drop a 1-minute life lesson from my weirdly fun life. Glad you’re here :)

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I’ve always been good at making friends.

My parents say that when we would go on family trips, I would often disappear for a few hours and come back with new buddies.

In school, I was friends with every group, bouncing from one table to the next.

It’s not some skill I’ve honed, something I’ve practiced.

I just love people.

Sometimes a friend will complain about a mutual connection of ours—they’ll refer to something that annoys them about that person—and I’ll be totally aloof to it. All I’ll think to myself is, “Really? I think they’re great.”

Hopefully this doesn’t come off as arrogant. And yes, of course, there are people that I have a hard time getting along with. But to me, the formula is simple if you want to make a friend: Be interested, not interesting.

Be curious, poke around, learn their stories. Once you get past people’s defenses of fear and pain they are almost always kind, loving and inspiring.

Your ego wants the attention, but isn’t that boring? Isn’t it a drain always talking about yourself? You spend so much time in your own world, don’t you want to learn about somebody else’s?

Today in the US, one in seven men can’t name a single close friend.

Three quarters of men can’t name six close friends.

Suicide rates for men are rising.

It’s not just guys though. Women are more likely to report feeling isolated than men, and experience higher levels of anxiety and depression.

These stats wouldn’t be so alarming if the following weren’t true: Relationships are the #1 catalyst for happiness.

The longest running study on happiness, the renowned Harvard Happiness Study which tracked men from their college days up until their deaths, found that nothing—not success, wealth, experiences—was more important than the people they had around them. As the Director of the study, Robert Waldinger said, "The people who were the happiest and healthiest were those who had warm relationships with others. Love is really all that matters in the end."

When I look back on my work life, the thing I’m most proud of is the community I helped build. The Yes Fam.

For years, our community was organizing thousands of meetups around the world. Nothing made me more proud than seeing you light up when you made a new friend, hearing a story about how you met your partner through the group, about how these connections changed your life. I mean, c’mon, how rewarding.

That’s why, this past weekend, I decided to hold my first solo meetup. Not for a Yes Theory video. Not to promote a book. Just me, in a park with some of you, to connect. I announced it at the top of this newsletter two weeks ago and lo and behold, forty smiling faces greeted me.

We found a spot in the sun, sat down in a circle, and I shared my intention: for each one of us to make a new friend that we would see again. For the next hour I had us switch who we were talking to every ten minutes. I gave prompts—who was your first love, what would your perfect day look like, what’s your biggest insecurity—and our little corner of the park gradually went from hesitant quietness to boisterous chatter. By the end, no one wanted to leave, including me.

When the author Kurt Vonnegut was asked what should young people do with their lives today, he answered, “Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."

Leaving that meetup, I couldn’t stop thinking: Why don’t more of us have spaces like this? A reason to put our phones down, sit in a park, and truly get to know each other. What if I could make these kinds of moments not just possible, but inevitable?

For the past few months I’ve been brainstorming how to do just that.

This newsletter, this Substack platform, feels like the perfect engine for fostering that kind of opportunity. A place to curate an experience where people can truly connect.

That’s why I’ve decided to create Matt’s Friend Club, where the mission is simple: Everyone that joins makes at least one lifelong friend.

For now it’s going to start with the following:

1. A penpal system where, if you choose to opt-in, I’ll connect you with someone who shares your values and curiosity. Every two months over the course of six months, you’ll get three chances to form a real friendship. If it’s working, we’ll keep it going. If not, we’ll evolve together.

2. A Zoom call once a month with me and other members where we’ll connect face-to-face, join intimate breakout rooms, and vulnerably share with each other. I also want to bring in some of my most inspiring friends to surprise y’all :)

3. Weekly voice notes from me. You know that feeling when a friend sends you a voice note getting you hyped up for the week? You get that message and it just brightens up your day? Maybe not, but in that case, you haven’t received one from me yet :) I’m really proud of my voice notes. I promise these will give you a ton of juice for your week.

$7/month.

That’s the cost.

Less than two lattes. Less than a Netflix subscription you barely use. And instead of passive entertainment, you’re investing in real friendships. A real community. A real chance to find your people.

If that’s too much money, shoot me an email. If I sense you’ll be committed, you’ll get in for free (I know a guy ;).

For those paying: If you don’t make a new friend by the end of the year, and you feel like this wasn’t worth it, I’ll give you your money back—no questions asked.

This is just the beginning. I have visions of future in-person meetups, book clubs, group trips, supporting each other through big goals.

This is gonna be a squad.

And it will start slow, it will be awkward, and we’ll slowly find our way together. I’ll be learning along with you.

Honestly, putting this newsletter out was so freaking intimidating. Although it’s something I really believe in, I’m scared. This is my first solo project in a decade, so yeah, the nerves are there. Yeah, I feel very out of my comfort zone. Yeah, I’ll definitely make mistakes. And finally, yeah, you’ll get to see a side of me few people get to see.

It will require us to be raw, to be human.

And I strongly believe that we’ll all become more alive because of it.

If this speaks to you, join us here and let’s do this.

Let’s make something special together.

I can’t wait to welcome you in :)

Love,

Matt